My comment got too long on this post by The Frisky so I decided to just blog my response.
What is “cheating” in a relationship?
You also have to look at the word “cheating”. Defined as:
1. To act dishonestly; practice fraud.
2. To violate rules deliberately, as in a game: was accused of cheating at cards.
3. Informal To be sexually unfaithful: cheat on a spouse.
In the European world, again, by comparison, the concept of “cheating”, or even having a mistress, is not the big issue it is in the United States. From what I have read, you European guys and ladies will have to chime in here, I’m not sure the vehemence of the word “cheating” and all it connotes is as widely used in Europe.
If “cheating” is being sexually unfaithful how is that defined? Is this the Jimmy Carter Playboy interview definition of “I’ve had sexual thoughts about other women in my mind and therefore have cheated on my wife many times” or is it the more practical “we ended up in bed having physical sex” definition?
How about phone sex? cybersex? sexting each other? And the concept is “violating a rule”. If it’s a “rule” in your relationship that has been defined by you and your partner then yes it would be cheating. But be sure you know who is setting the rules here — you and your partner or some social norm you think is proper based on God knows what.
Flirting: 1. to make playfully romantic or sexual overtures.
One of the lost arts of our time is flirting. The Europeans are much more adept at, and comfortable with, this then we Americans. Flirting, in my opinion, is the act of acknowledging your own sexual being and affirming this reality in another.
It can be exhilarating and quite healthy if done without the preconceived notion (which is, I think, somewhat an American anomaly) of we’re going to end up getting physical. In fact, it’s hard to just “flirt” with another today due to the restrictions we place on relationships. I think we’ve lost the art of playful romantic and sexual overtures for the sake of just that – play.
If I flirt with a woman am I being dishonest or a fraud with you? If I engage in “play” for play sake, this is not, in my mind the same as coquetry – playful behavior intended to arouse sexual interest. In the American mind the concept of flirting is to arouse sexual interest with a goal in mind – getting the other person in bed. But flirting is much more subtle, stimulating and healthy if taken as intended. As I said, I believe it can be good for your own self-image and self-esteem (and others) within playful boundaries of not harming your partner. Who sets those boundaries? You and your partner.
Should you flirt with your partner? Most assuredly! But to flirt with another is not, in my opinion “cheating” on your partner.
If you go around restricting your relationship on what you think is the “norm” defined by others you will be miserable. This should be something you and your partner (if in a truly “committed” relationship) would discuss and decide for yourselves.
So what is “cheating“?
It’s breaking the rules. But who set the rules and are they known? Are you being dishonest and/or being a fraud? Or are you just being what you are – a healthy human with a wide spectrum of sexual needs and desires and wants. Because sexual intimacy is an emotionally binding act, it needs to be explored by a couple fully in terms of what’s acceptable and what is not. What is “cheating” and what is not?
I would submit to you that we should even get rid of this word “cheating”. In a truly committed relationship my desire would be to establish as close a relationship as possible with my partner. In the establishment of that relationship I would have a strong desire NOT to hurt my partner. The only way I’ll know what will hurt or not hurt my partner is to ask, explore, question and discuss. If my partner thinks it inappropriate to kiss another woman and we agree then this would be inappropriate behavior.
Oh, but wait, you cry! I should KNOW that this is inappropriate behavior. I think its bullshit to think that every instance of relationship nuance will be “known” instinctively by your partner. Much of this nonsense comes from people who are insecure in their relationships and feel a need to “control” all aspects of their partners’ life. My partner may be perfectly fine with me kissing another woman or flirting or even having sex with another woman. Most people would not be because of the concept of saving the best for the exclusive “one”.
Why do we get uptight about “cheating”? What’s the core reason? It’s because we want to know our partner is committed to a monogamous relationship with us. We want to know that relationship has the exclusivity and assurances associated with it that our partner will be there for us, and us alone, ‘till death do us part. It is the assurance that the special “things” (sex, kissing, cuddling, oatmeal butterscotch cookies fresh from the oven, etc.) are saved exclusively for me and me alone.
But can I eat all the butterscotch cookies my partner can make? Should I? Can I share some cookies with others? Am I taking away from my relationship with my partner if I share her “hot from the oven” (bordering on a heavenly culinary ecstasy) cookies with someone else? Only you and your partner can decide this.
These boundaries have to be set by you and your partner. Is there ever a time in our relationship when I can put the needs of another above your needs? These are the things you need to discuss and know in a relationship.
Don’t assume the “social norm” regarding what’s “cheating” and what is not. To begin with there is no “norm”. There is only what works for you and your partner. Some of this “norm” construct comes from our childhood, scripting from our own parents and society as growing up and the world around us today. There are many influences that determine the final canvas of what is “OK” in the painting masterpiece of your monogamous relationship. Or perhaps you don’t even have a monogamous relationship – perhaps you are OK with polygamy. Explore these with your partner. The simple bottom line is, if I am truly committed to my partner and I KNOW for a fact that something will hurt them, I will not want to do it. Not because it’s “cheating” or outside some norm but because it would hurt my partner. But to assume your partner will KNOW everything that might hurt you is childish and will, as in the case of all assumptions, make an “ass” of “u and me” – assume. You’re much better off knowing what will hurt your partner then trying to live by some external guidelines that you “think” you know and you “think” are real.
The last comment I’ll make is that whatever behavior we discuss in terms of the social norm (flirting, kissing, sex, or baking cookies for another woman/man) if you engage in this activity to the exclusion of your partner and it becomes detrimental to your relationship then it’s a bad thing. What can be entirely harmless and OK with a couple can be devastating to another if it consumes your time and takes away from the primary partnership and relationship.
As with all things in life, the key is moderation. Moderation in a set of activities that you and your partner have defined, discussed, explored and each understands. I believe this will not be a one time discussion over “mac and cheese” either. I believe this is the essence of a long-term relationship, the constant adjustment and growing with your partner.
I think a lot of people forget that the opposite of monogamy is just nonmonogamy.
But yeah, I totally agree that the boundaries of a relationship are set by the parties involved in the relationship. So many people are caught up in “traditional” Western serial monogamy that they really exclude any other relationships from their perception of validity.
For example, on The Wolf Web (an unofficial NC State message board), many young men claim to want a MFF threesome but don’t want to date “the kind of girl” who would do something like that. It’s a huge double standard.
Or look at open relationships and ethical nonmonogamists: how many people think the primary relationships can’t be “serious” if they’re sleeping with other people? How many people assume these kinds of relationships don’t have boundaries at all?
There’s just not a good public understanding of alternative relationships (homosexual, swingers, or what have you) because they continually get pushed out of the mainstream.
It’s idiotic to think you will marry/date one person in all the world and never have sexual feelings or crushes on another human being ever again your whole life. It’s how you act on those feelings that define what it means to “cheat” within a relationship.
People often want to treat love like it’s a limited resource and it simply isn’t. Time is the limited resource.
If I love my partner, that doesn’t mean I love my mother any less. If I love my mother, it doesn’t mean I don’t still love my best friend. Giving love to someone else doesn’t take away the love you have available to give.
hdmi from Basse-Normandie, France on Every politician needs a photo of a Health Care nightmare on his or her desk
I think a lot of people forget that the opposite of monogamy is just nonmonogamy.
But yeah, I totally agree that the boundaries of a relationship are set by the parties involved in the relationship. So many people are caught up in “traditional” Western serial monogamy that they really exclude any other relationships from their perception of validity.
For example, on The Wolf Web (an unofficial NC State message board), many young men claim to want a MFF threesome but don’t want to date “the kind of girl” who would do something like that. It’s a huge double standard.
Or look at open relationships and ethical nonmonogamists: how many people think the primary relationships can’t be “serious” if they’re sleeping with other people? How many people assume these kinds of relationships don’t have boundaries at all?
There’s just not a good public understanding of alternative relationships (homosexual, swingers, or what have you) because they continually get pushed out of the mainstream.
It’s idiotic to think you will marry/date one person in all the world and never have sexual feelings or crushes on another human being ever again your whole life. It’s how you act on those feelings that define what it means to “cheat” within a relationship.
Oh, and another thing:
People often want to treat love like it’s a limited resource and it simply isn’t. Time is the limited resource.
If I love my partner, that doesn’t mean I love my mother any less. If I love my mother, it doesn’t mean I don’t still love my best friend. Giving love to someone else doesn’t take away the love you have available to give.